Guest Blogger, Rev. Theophilus Simmons

More Church Folk is out. A copy arrived in the mail to Freedom Temple Gospel United Church 10 days ago--giving me enough time to read it before the release date. Plus, I wanted to have a chance to find out what was happening, so I could get ready for the Triennial Conference in Durham, North Carolina.

I thought Marcel and Sonny and their cronies were crazy in Church Folk. But they are headed to another galaxy in More Church Folk. To think that some old Hyenas really think they can handle WP21. That is as crazy as WP21 itself. I mean, who would have thought that watermelons could do all of that for a brother.

But hey...I guess some brothers need stuff like that. Me? Oh...no. I don't need nothing but that fine woman I'm married to. One dose of Essie is like 50 shots of WP21.

Ooops...Sorry, Lee Allie. Let me tone it down a bit. That is Essie's mother. And I don't want to tangle with Uncle Booker right now. I've got too much on my mind.

I have to pack. On my way to Durham, Theophilus Simmons.

Guest Blogger, Essie Lane Simmons, Rev. Theophilus Simmons' wife

I can not believe that More Church Folk is out in the stores. I've been waiting a long time for this.

Theophilus and I have been busy since you all left us at our first official Sunday at Freedom Temple Gospel United Church in St. Louis, MO.

So much has happened. We have three babies, and that first baby is a girl, Sharon Simmons. Then, there is Linda Simmons, and the baby, Theophilus Simmons, Jr., or T.J. And my business has grown, as my love for my man.

Lawd, y'all know I love that man. And uhhh....ladies...I know y'all uhh...kinda enamoured with Rev. Simmons...but the brother is taken, and I still carry hat pins just in case one of y'all gets to acting crazy. Okay?

Well, I better get going because the debut book signing for More Church Folk is tonight at Quail Ridge Books in Raleigh, North Carolina at 7:30 pm.

Hmmm, what to wear, what to wear, Essie Lane Simmons.

Guest Blogger, Johnnie Tate, Rev. Eddie Tate's wife

We are getting so close to the official release date of More Church Folk. I am excited and can't wait to get to North Carolina for the Triennial General Conference. Last time I was at a Triennial Conference for the Gospel United Church in a book, I was really there just to get Eddie to notice me.

Umph, umph, umph....if that wasn't a big, fine, high yellow brotherman, I didn't know who was. I remember dancing with Eddie at my girl, Thayline's house party in Richmond, VA, and I just about melted in that man's arms. I kept thinking, I'll go back to church and get saved and read my bible and live right if this man will make me his.

Little did I know that all of this wasn't about me, it was about the Lord. And while I am so happy that Eddie Tate is my man (and let's just keep this real...I will cut one of y'all loose-legged hussies if you try and roll up on my man...now back to church talk)...but I am overjoyed that coming to know Eddie was the way I walked to get to know the Lord. Can't get much better than that.

Huh? Miss Lee Allie is tapping her watch, and telling me that this is about More Church Folk and not me and my man. Well then, if I can't talk about Eddie, I'll just have to go. Y'all need to go on and get More Church Folk. Word on the street, is that some folks already have it and are reading it right now. Check the stores, Johnnie Tate.

Guest Blogger, Rev. Eddie Tate, Theophilus Simmons' best friend

I wanted to write my blog earlier because I have to get ready for More Church Folk, and I have a lot to do. I thought those preachers in Church Folk were off the chain. But in More Church Folk? Whew eeee whew. They are going to work this Chicago boy hard to set things right.

I mean, I thought I was going to have to throw down and kick some butt in Church Folk. But I don't know...I might have to take my pistol with me for More Church Folk. I know my baby, Johnnie is carrying some heat. You remember, she was packing in Holy Ghost Corner. See, this story is set in 1986 and folks thinking they are some gangstas. But if y'all met me in Church Folk, you know 'I ain't nevah skeered.'

Oh...wait...Lee Allie is getting on me...So, I can't quote 'Bone Crusher' in my blog. I can't 'pop the trunk.' So, what can I do? Huh? Huh?

Okay, well then, I just go and finish packing so I'll be ready to head off to Durham, North Carolina, where it's gonna jump off, Eddie Tate.

Guest Blogger, The Bishop who got happy listening to The Battle Hymn Of The Republic on the piano at the Triennial Conference in Church Folk

Lawd, why did they worry me about this? And I ask you, why did they have to bring that up? The Battle Hymn Of The Republic is my favorite song and I get happy listening to it. Is there a problem in that?

What's wrong with these here folk, is that they don't like the way I do business. They didn't like it that I was not happy when Murcheson James earned all of those promised votes for bishop, making it clear that he was going to win in Church Folk. I didn't want him to win because I didn't want him joining the Board of Bishops, coming up in there trying to do right and be right.

There is a lot that I need to put my hands on under the table. You people following me? And the last thing I need is for a bunch of Dudley Do-Rights to sashay up in a meeting putting checks and balances on Bishops like me. I've gotten rich handling business like this....What?

Oh, it's like that, huh. Well, Mrs. Lee Allie Lane Hawkins, if you don't like the way I am then you can just go somewhere. 'Cause I'm off somewhere to do business the way I like it.

See, that's what I'm talking about. Do-gooders. They get on my nerves. And no, I not signing my name.

Guest Blogger, Bishop Otis Caruthers, Sr., Located Bishop in Church Folk

The first thing I need to say, is why did these people feel a need to inform everybody reading this, that I am a 'Located Bishop.' That's none of their business. Now, folks will be calling me and asking what 'located' means, and then they'll want to know what I did to get 'located' in the first place.

You know what I did? I did exactly what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it, and I didn't give a hoot about my denomination. And do you want to know a secret that a lot of these wheelers and dealers in the Gospel United Church don't want you to know? They don't want you to know that if they acted right and voted right and weren't so afraid of real men running the denomination, a joker like me wouldn't have a chance of getting elected bishop.

Preachers like me get elected because preachers like Ernest Brown and Sonny Washington and Ernest's son, Marcel, are weak, and they are intimidated by real men like Murcheson James, Percy Jennings, Eddie Tate, and Theophilus Simmons. Yeah, I said it. They are some real men, and if you tell somebody I said that, I will lie. I will lie and say that you are crazy. But it is the truth.

What? That Lee Allie Lane says that my time is up, and that she wished I'd tell the truth for a change. But I can't do that because the truth sets folks free and I am not trying to have a bunch free and clear folk running around trying to do right and messing up my game and messing with all of my money, Otis Caruthers.

Guest Blogger, Rev. Roscoe Alexander, or the man whose teeth popped out of his mouth while preaching at the Annual Conference

Lee Allie, baby, hand me that Fixodent real quick so I can get my mouth fixed up before I start preaching.

What? I'm not preaching? Then, what the heck am I doing here? You know I don't type on a typewriter. That's for the secretary to do for me while I tell her what to type.

What? I have to type this myself? But this ain't no typewriter, babygirl. This is a contraption--kind of like a fakehaired weave wig. It looks like it should be a typewriter but it ain't.

It's better than a typewriter? Says who?

Well, I don't have time to type nothing. All I know is that I didn't like that y'all let everybody know my teeth came out during a sermon in Church Folk. That should have stayed in house.

What? You thought it was funny?

Well then, Missy, you write this here report about More Church Folk on this thinagmajig your ownself.

Now...how do you like that? I'm going. Gotta go preach, Rev. Roscoe Alexander.